3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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