Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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