If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
