Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize