i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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