Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
