I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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