My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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