Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
