After last night, I could never be a politician.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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