my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
