Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
