moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
