Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
