I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
