awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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