I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
