You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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