my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
