This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
