mondays should just be called national damage control day
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
