Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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