i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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