So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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