I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
