Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
