im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
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I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
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I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I am one with the molecules
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize