if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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