Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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