I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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