ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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