I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
