If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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