Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
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You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
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Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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