I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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