3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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