i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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