Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it's great music for shaving your balls
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
