Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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