my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
