pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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