There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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