i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
