i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
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Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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