***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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