I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
