dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think my vagina is haunted
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
