Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You are the jesus of drinking
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
