omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
