It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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