I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
