I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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