You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize