Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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