Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
