I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
