I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
