everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
