I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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