I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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